18 Mar 2008

There's an indescribable urge to trash everything. Erase everything. Delete everything.

And start re-building everything from the ground up.

06 Mar 2008

Countdown to Easter/Europe.

Evenings that aren't taken up by rehearsals:

Sat, 8th.
Mon, 10th.
Thurs, 13th.
Sat, 15th.
- Easter -
Mon, 24th.
- Europe -

I'm a little bit emotionally tired now. I've got a few job offer interviews to attend over the next week or so. Wish me all the best.

04 Mar 2008

Okay, I've got about an hour free till my alarm rings and it's time to pack up and have some dinner before heading to another Easter drama rehearsal. I've already missed about a week of it, so I can't wait to get back.

Birth the GradShow was great. It's too soon to say whether I'll miss the rest of the retards of DCMD. I probably will.

I gave Azhar my Rook silkscreen. The one with Jessika on it.

I've been having ideas swimming around in my head, but can't seem to sit down to jot it out.

Actually I've been having loads of crazy stuff going on in my head. Things that make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs, and other things that make me want to sit on the roof of a tall building and stare at nothing until the day passes and my commitments force me back to Earth.

Hey Aaron, I probably won't want to go anywhere in Scotland. I think my trip would be worth it to just sit in a cosy corner and talk till our voices run out. You're definitely my best friend in this world.



I've only heard this song once, pretty long ago, but it's been stuck in my head for a while.

I think most people have a sort of defence system when they feel defeated/threatened/embarrassed/whatever. I know, or at least have come to realise, that whenever I seem to be heading for a train wreck, my first reaction is to feel lethargic. And most of the time I can't control it. My mind just goes blank and I can't think of anything else except "I must be tired". Does anyone else feel this way?

And there's so much more inside my head that I find so hard to express right now.

27 Feb 08

"If they don't give me money, I don't care who they are."

- Mom

A Praise Chorus

I wanna fall in love tonight.

14 Feb 08

Dead.

hello, happy valentine's day everyone.

sorry for my perpetual laziness when it comes to updating this blog space. actually the only reason i'm blogging is because my mom and her boyfriend are in the living room playing very loud music, and i'm in my room with my headphones on listening to "sad exchange" by finger eleven for the daredevil soundtrack (although, by the time this post concludes, a lot of songs would have been played).

okay, first of all, an update of my general status. chinese new year has been pretty eventful for me. i suppose you can say i've made new friends, from both past and present. my cousins christy and lu, for instance. i haven't seen them in two years. lu gave me a crash course in "toh" family history, the summarised version of which took up the better part of three hours. short and simple, my dad's side of the family sounds like a complete "days of our lives" sort of basket case.

one thing that affected me quite a lot was when i found out that my dad was with my sister and her son at my aunts house for chinese new year. basically i wasn't invited by him because my half-sister was there. it felt all that much worse when i realised that i had missed the opportunity to see her by a few hours or so. i can't properly express in words how much it would mean to me to finally, after 20 odd years, meet my sister. and her son. it would mean the world and more to me.

maybe it's pride that prevents one from admitting mistakes. maybe it's fear that prevents one from taking action. maybe it's misplaced concern that keeps people apart. but it looks like i'll have to wait just a little longer.

chinese new year was pretty cool though. i guess when i look back at it now, i'm pretty okay with how things turned out. i got to know my family a little better. my uncle michael was back in singapore for a bit, and i had the opportunity to meet him for dinner yesterday. got to see my nephew and nieces again. bi and mark's kids: alun, anna, amy and tony (antonia). i actually miss them a lot.

oh yeah, i learnt how to play mahjong. with a little help from christy, lu and sondra. and uncle anthony.

i found out my cousin's best friend, sondra, is my ex-classmate's little sister.

i made friends with my ex-classmate's ex-girlfriend through a series of unfortunate events.

i really suck at sports in general.

i (somehow) managed to hurt my (once-fractured) arm again. don't ask me how, it just started hurting during the chinese new year drama. might've been the couch i had to carry on and off stage (with the one-and-only melvin tan), but i'm not about to blame it all on that.

i watched superbad and hitman. and enjoyed them both (superbad a lot more than hitman).

i listened to and watched the video of the killer's song, "don't shoot me santa". and i actually like it a lot.

i resolved to stop giving myself opportunities to do bad things.

i started drinking more than i should be. actually, not really.

i spent this valentine's day without lucas for the first time in three years.

i have adopted a more serious exterior, but i can't resist saying stupid things sometimes.

i am trying not to care so much about unimportant things.

i cleaned up half of my room, threw away a lot of things i used to keep for the sake of sentimental value, painted the gate of my house off-white (and got some paint on my hair).

i have the urge to dye my hair green (and probably will, next week), which means i have to buy black hair-spray for easter.

i had an argument of sorts with one of my best friends, kim.

i just bought "sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band" by the beatles, and "icky thump" by the white stripes.

and after all this time, it's still true that the person i find hardest to forgive

is myself.

did i forget anything...?

31 Jan 2008

I want to watch Tekkon Kinkreet.

My posts here are so angry-sounding. That's probably because nowadays I usually only blog when I'm moody and contemplative and bored. Which means I probably shouldn't be blogging now.