18 Mar 2008

There's an indescribable urge to trash everything. Erase everything. Delete everything.

And start re-building everything from the ground up.

06 Mar 2008

Countdown to Easter/Europe.

Evenings that aren't taken up by rehearsals:

Sat, 8th.
Mon, 10th.
Thurs, 13th.
Sat, 15th.
- Easter -
Mon, 24th.
- Europe -

I'm a little bit emotionally tired now. I've got a few job offer interviews to attend over the next week or so. Wish me all the best.

04 Mar 2008

Okay, I've got about an hour free till my alarm rings and it's time to pack up and have some dinner before heading to another Easter drama rehearsal. I've already missed about a week of it, so I can't wait to get back.

Birth the GradShow was great. It's too soon to say whether I'll miss the rest of the retards of DCMD. I probably will.

I gave Azhar my Rook silkscreen. The one with Jessika on it.

I've been having ideas swimming around in my head, but can't seem to sit down to jot it out.

Actually I've been having loads of crazy stuff going on in my head. Things that make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs, and other things that make me want to sit on the roof of a tall building and stare at nothing until the day passes and my commitments force me back to Earth.

Hey Aaron, I probably won't want to go anywhere in Scotland. I think my trip would be worth it to just sit in a cosy corner and talk till our voices run out. You're definitely my best friend in this world.



I've only heard this song once, pretty long ago, but it's been stuck in my head for a while.

I think most people have a sort of defence system when they feel defeated/threatened/embarrassed/whatever. I know, or at least have come to realise, that whenever I seem to be heading for a train wreck, my first reaction is to feel lethargic. And most of the time I can't control it. My mind just goes blank and I can't think of anything else except "I must be tired". Does anyone else feel this way?

And there's so much more inside my head that I find so hard to express right now.

27 Feb 08

"If they don't give me money, I don't care who they are."

- Mom

14 Feb 08

Dead.

hello, happy valentine's day everyone.

sorry for my perpetual laziness when it comes to updating this blog space. actually the only reason i'm blogging is because my mom and her boyfriend are in the living room playing very loud music, and i'm in my room with my headphones on listening to "sad exchange" by finger eleven for the daredevil soundtrack (although, by the time this post concludes, a lot of songs would have been played).

okay, first of all, an update of my general status. chinese new year has been pretty eventful for me. i suppose you can say i've made new friends, from both past and present. my cousins christy and lu, for instance. i haven't seen them in two years. lu gave me a crash course in "toh" family history, the summarised version of which took up the better part of three hours. short and simple, my dad's side of the family sounds like a complete "days of our lives" sort of basket case.

one thing that affected me quite a lot was when i found out that my dad was with my sister and her son at my aunts house for chinese new year. basically i wasn't invited by him because my half-sister was there. it felt all that much worse when i realised that i had missed the opportunity to see her by a few hours or so. i can't properly express in words how much it would mean to me to finally, after 20 odd years, meet my sister. and her son. it would mean the world and more to me.

maybe it's pride that prevents one from admitting mistakes. maybe it's fear that prevents one from taking action. maybe it's misplaced concern that keeps people apart. but it looks like i'll have to wait just a little longer.

chinese new year was pretty cool though. i guess when i look back at it now, i'm pretty okay with how things turned out. i got to know my family a little better. my uncle michael was back in singapore for a bit, and i had the opportunity to meet him for dinner yesterday. got to see my nephew and nieces again. bi and mark's kids: alun, anna, amy and tony (antonia). i actually miss them a lot.

oh yeah, i learnt how to play mahjong. with a little help from christy, lu and sondra. and uncle anthony.

i found out my cousin's best friend, sondra, is my ex-classmate's little sister.

i made friends with my ex-classmate's ex-girlfriend through a series of unfortunate events.

i really suck at sports in general.

i (somehow) managed to hurt my (once-fractured) arm again. don't ask me how, it just started hurting during the chinese new year drama. might've been the couch i had to carry on and off stage (with the one-and-only melvin tan), but i'm not about to blame it all on that.

i watched superbad and hitman. and enjoyed them both (superbad a lot more than hitman).

i listened to and watched the video of the killer's song, "don't shoot me santa". and i actually like it a lot.

i resolved to stop giving myself opportunities to do bad things.

i started drinking more than i should be. actually, not really.

i spent this valentine's day without lucas for the first time in three years.

i have adopted a more serious exterior, but i can't resist saying stupid things sometimes.

i am trying not to care so much about unimportant things.

i cleaned up half of my room, threw away a lot of things i used to keep for the sake of sentimental value, painted the gate of my house off-white (and got some paint on my hair).

i have the urge to dye my hair green (and probably will, next week), which means i have to buy black hair-spray for easter.

i had an argument of sorts with one of my best friends, kim.

i just bought "sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band" by the beatles, and "icky thump" by the white stripes.

and after all this time, it's still true that the person i find hardest to forgive

is myself.

did i forget anything...?

31 Jan 2008

I want to watch Tekkon Kinkreet.

My posts here are so angry-sounding. That's probably because nowadays I usually only blog when I'm moody and contemplative and bored. Which means I probably shouldn't be blogging now.

18 Jan 2008

Selfishness!

Argh! I will not change that for you!

Firstly, it's not my job to attend to you.
Secondly, we've all got a responsibility to an authority, and you're not an exception!
Thirdly, I've neglected my own work to do this for you!

So please, if you've got no consideration for others, then at least be accountable to yourself!

And because this outburst is directed at so many different things, it would be better if I drop the subject

right

here.

05 Jan 2008

02 Jan 2008

I've updated my LiveJournal.

And my DeviantArt.

Nothing much else is going on.

Theoretically.

01 Jan 2008

Argh.

Au revoir, 2007. I won't miss you.

My drawing arm's become retarded.

2008 is for going crazy.

Hello, complete reformation. You're mine this year.

I plan to grow up by June.

Impossible can eat dirt, cos I'm leaving her behind.

My drawing arm will go from zero to hero starting...

now.

02 Dec 2007

The SP staff, Ning, is officially the worst MC I've ever heard.

I think modern dance is a waste of time.

I'm down with a fever. whew.

And sometimes I dread listening to people drone on and on about life, the universe, everything.

I watched Demetri Martin's "If I". It's basically an hour or so of him talking about his life.

Some parts were interesting.

But I shan't comment.

Because I find that the best way to learn about anything is not to hear it from someone or read it from somewhere.

*Insert cliff-hanger ending here*

18 Nov 2007

Sorry I'm taking so long.

Thanks to all:
Aaron, who shipped me a present all the way from Scotland.
Lucas, who did his best to make sure I had lots of fun.
Kim and Nigel, you guys can't act... haha.
Xiao Lii and Xiao En, I didn't expect you guys to celebrate my birthday... thanks.
Sally, for turning up.
Delphine, Kai Lin and Shing, for taking the time.
Tim and David, you guys are awesome.
Wei Wen, thanks for the card.
Ken, Jovan, Han, Min, Yabei, Huiling and Jenny, I'm still watching it (over and over and over again).
Alfinah and Vic, this is (in my opinion) one of the best albums ever.
Alex, for giving me a big surprise (you sneaky guy you).
The message-ers - thanks for the birthday messages. Much appreciated.
My cell group. Jean, thanks for asking me what I wanted for my Birthday.

Dad. Thanks for the dinner. I think this is the first time in almost a year that I've called you "dad".

Mom. You're the greatest ever. And you move me to tears, always.

Thank you.

10 Nov 2007

All I want for my birthday is:

A quiet dinner with my closest friends.
I don't even want or need a cake.
I just ask that I don't have to foot the tab for my own birthday meal again.

Because I realise that after all,

I don't need new clothes
I don't need more music
I don't need another book
I don't need anything, really.

I just want to know that after all these years, we're still friends.

And that we'll always be friends.

08 Nov 07

Can someone please please please comment on my livejournal page and tell me that they want want want me to print a design on their shirt? Seriously, the reason I stopped posting in the first place was because of the lack of any feedback!

Okay, just had to get that off my chest.

02 Nov 2007

I just updated my portfolio site, so go take a gander.

http://nick-toh.livejournal.com/

Again, constructive comments are greatly appreciated.

31 Oct 2007

II just broke fast, and there's nothing to eat at home except CHOCOLATE.

Then I realised that when we (or myself, at least) break fast, we don't eat to relieve hunger. We eat because we want to please our palate.

Or at least, that's how I feel now: I haven't eaten for the longest time, I've got a mountain of chocolate on my kitchen table, and after a bar, I'm suddenly not as hungry as I thought I was. In fact, I think I could probably eat nothing and wait till the morning comes to eat something I'd like.

Or whatever. Ha.

I wish people would learn to laugh more at themselves. It's funny how someone could laugh so hard at another person's expense, yet take it so seriously when the exact same thing happens to them.

I pledge to not take myself seriously from now on.

And I think I'm hungry enough to get out of my house and walk over to Holland Village for some food. Or at least, the food there is good enough to warrant a trip there.

And I think that this shade of grey makes everything I post here a little bit more sombre than I intend it to be.

22 Oct 2007

This is my rest day from the past few months of work.

Things are finally slowing down again (or at least, they aren't speeding up anymore). At the moment, I'm trying to catch up on my assignment. I seem to have lost some time on it last week. Or at least, that's what my lecturer claims.

Last Friday, the 19th, was one of my low points. Everything that could've possibly gone wrong, went wrong. And even some stuff which I thought was absolutely idiot-proof and fail-proof went awry. I won't re-iterate everything, but it was pretty bad. Faced lots of music from lecturers, my coach, and even some of my seniors. One of the judges couldn't make it for the event. I had to cancel a competition event that I watched my juniors train 5 hours a day, four days a week for the past 3 months for because of some technicality in the rules. I can't say that I was more upset than they were, but I took it pretty badly because I was indirectly to blame for it. The day then went from bad to worse as things started to break down and mess up.

Mess up to a point that I lost my temper. I don't think anyone who has known me for less than four years has seen me like that before. I think I gave everyone there quite a fright.

Then on my way home, I called my mom. No answer. I called Lucas. He was too busy to talk, so I called Kim. She was on her way back home to JB, so she couldn't really talk either. I called Sally. No answer. Then I broke down and cried.

Saturday morning didn't start any better. It was pouring really badly, and I was completely drenched. My mom was in a bad mood, and I had a bad stomach ache. I was supposed to open the clubhouse door, and I was 15 minutes late.

There were lots of things wrong with the competition itself, too. No access to hang our banner, no Guest of Honour, no printers, etc. My seniors, who until that day have kept mum, suddenly had lots of stuff to say and to criticise me for.

Lucas was supposed to be there to support the competition, but he overslept.

At least Kim was there. If not for her, I don't think I would have made it through the day. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to. Her being there meant the world to me at that difficult point in time.

And even through all that mess, I would say that the day went well. Whatever we participated in, we got a prize for. Gold for 長拳, silver for 南拳, silver for 象形拳, and gold for 集体拳. We pulled out of 对练 because my junior Meng Hui had a really nasty back injury, but we could have bagged a gold for that as well. Not because we're especially good, but because the standard for this event is especially low.

I learnt a lot of things through this.

Firstly: check, check, check! You can't ever be thorough enough. I had to cancel almost half the event because I wasn't thorough enough when I checked the rules and regulations which my (ex-)secretary and publications officer wrote. And even though I could give the excuse that "hey, I've never even gone to a Wushu competition before", I think that's just shrugging the responsibility. Checking and re-checking may make you seem really anal and fussy, but it'll solve a lot of headaches in the future.

Secondly: ask. No one in this world will offer to help you. Why? Because no one gives half a rat's ass what happens to you. As humans, all they really care about is saving the skin on their face and on their butt. In fact, most people will go out of their way to pin the blame on you, should things go wrong. Take it from me, it really sucks to have your coach blame you for things you had no way of knowing about in the first place. Be obsessive in your gathering of information, and hold people to their word. Get it in black-and-white if you have to. It's sadistically satisfying to see someone trying to push the blame on you, only to find out that they themselves are to blame.

Thirdly: get help. And I mean good help. Having a secretary that ran away from all responsibility mid-way through the planning process three months ago had repercussions all the way to the competition date itself. Having an awesome team of people who picked up the slack and went the extra mile to make sure things get done really saved my ass. Alex, Clement, Cuthbert, Janice, Wenqi - you guys are the reason there was an event at all. Of course there were others who helped a whole lot too, but these guys were with me from day one, and I really owe everything to them.

One thing I realise, too. That there are some things that mean the world to a person that you cannot miss, no matter what. Especially if the person is close to you, like an old friend or a family member:

1. Anniversaries. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries (for those married), etc. It's once a year, so work you schedule around it, for goodness' sake. And, I've noticed, that it's possible to be physically present but mentally absent. Whenever you're at a birthday party or an anniversary dinner, throw away that stupid hand-phone, stop having your own private conversation, and for one day in the year, make the person(s) involved feel like you actually listen to them at all. And don't be cheap with your presents. I guarantee, if the present is in any way purchased on a tight budget or as a last-minute resort, the person receiving it CAN and WILL sense it.

2. "First-times". This may not seem very important, but it separates the friends from the chumps and fakes. Make sure you take the time to make it for things like your friends'/kid's/whatever's first time for anything. Be it a basketball game, a soccer match, a competition, a trip overseas - if it's important to the person, it should be important to you. If you really can't make it, at least drop the person a call to let him/her know you care. And if you do something idiotic and unforgivable like oversleep or forget, you really should think about whether that person is important to you at all.

I guess you'd probably be able to tell, but most (if not all) of the stuff I've just mentioned is based on personal experience, and hence is pretty much laced with a whole bunch of emotion-inducing words and phrases. Although, I admit, it's probably toned down a few notches from what was originally in my head. But that's just me being me - painfully forthright.

So here's the fruit of all my training for the past few months:

I guess in the midst of all that has happened, this is my miracle. The dude who won first place was really good, and he beat me by a pretty wide margin, and I must say that I didn't - and still don't - mind losing to him at all.

So thank you, God, for keeping me all this time. For the encouragement and the strength. For everything.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

16 Oct 2007.

I drew another Liam Gallagher.

It's in my sketchbook now, probably gonna experiment with different forms of inking before posting it up.

Meanwhile, check out my first two quick sketches.

http://nick-toh.livejournal.com

The Traditional Wushu IVP Competition is on this Saturday, 20th of Oct from 10am to 5pm.
My event should be at around 10:30am or earlier.

10 Oct 2007

Lethargy. That's the keyword to describe the past few days (weeks?).

There's been something in my head for some time. It's a depressive take on friendship. It's all in my head, and I can't seem to find the words to write it out.

My back isn't getting any better. In fact, it seems to be getting worse.

I haven't had the appetite to eat anything but soup lately. It's like everything else is too heavy to stomach.

But over all, I think life is great, yeah? I've come to realise that there are things in my life that I'll probably never overcome, and probably never forgive myself for doing. But that's what grace is for, isn't it?

09 Oct 2007

I was researching different styles of artistic direction for my schoolwork, when I came upon a verse from "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by English poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

Don't ask me why, but I love it. Makes me want to read the whole poem.

With regards to my school work, I'm officially a fan of Yoji Shinkawa's work.

Solid Snake by Yoji Shinkawa

Okay, it's one of those days where I have lots of stuff in my head, but can't find a way to put it into words.

Maybe I'll edit this again later.