04 Oct 2007

Do you know the feeling, when you look at pictures and wish you were there?

Do you know the feeling, when you try your best to be there, but you never are?

Do you know the feeling, when you have to choose between two things that are equally important?

Do you know the feeling, when you leave your past behind you, but it never does go away?

Do you know the feeling, when you feel like you've responded the right way to all of the above, but still regret what you've done?

Does anyone know? Because that's how I feel right now. I feel that I've really done my best to be better than I was yesterday, but somehow I've missed out on so many other things. I propose now, to you, that time is our enemy, that we can't afford to waste it on things that aren't important. I know there will always be places that I should have been, people I should have met, things I should have done.

Do you know the feeling, when you wish with all your heart that you could join them, but can't?

That's the feeling I get whenever I watch my juniors practice. When I watch them practice and wish, sincerely wish, that I could join them. That all my physical limitations would melt away, that I can stand up and walk, stand up and run, stand up and jump, just like I used to be able to. Just like what my juniors are doing now.

And really, I don't care about back-flips and somersaults and stuff. Sure, that's real cool, and sure, I worked really hard to be able to do it, and sure, I'm really thankful that I've been able to. But I'm starting to get the feeling that the price I've paid for it was a tad high. What's the point of knowing how to do all that stuff, and not being able to physically achieve it anymore?

For goodness' sake, answer the phone! Don't reply me with a "hey did you call me?", because it's pretty obvious that I did. I can't speak for anyone, but I've been taught to return calls. I believe my mom called it "being polite". Or maybe I'm expecting too much, hey? Maybe the rule "do unto others what you want them to do unto you" applies to every area except the area regarding phone calls.

And I don't ever want to be able to bitch and moan like this again. I'm just at a stage where I need to say something, but find myself unable to. I can't call Aaron anymore. Lucas is too busy to listen. David's doing his NS. Even Kim's too expensive to call anymore. Seems like almost everyone I've grown up with is somewhere else. Seems like these days I've replaced my friends with books, homework and CCA.

I just went for acupuncture for my back and legs. I'm feeling a little better, but not much. I need to get well now-ish. I've got a performance this Saturday for St. Theresa's Home and I'm missing my first cell for this. And the feeling isn't good.

And then in the midst of all this complaints and shelved-in frustration, I do believe (naive as I may sound to some) that God gives me hope.

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." - Paul's epistle to the Galatians, chapter 6, verses 7-9.

Which is my new favourite passage.

Thanks for everything. Good night.